A Pregnant Pause

Travelling home from work on the bus and I overheard a mobile phone conversation (what did we do for travel entertainment before mobile phones and the ability to eavesdrop on one side of a conversation and imagine how the other side is going? Highly entertaining if your imagination is anything like mine!)
Anyway, a young woman was on the phone and exclaimed "I've never been so happy to get my period!" I didn't need to hear anything more to know exactly what the conversation was about, and also to understand how she was feeling. Many women reading this have probably gone through the same thing, where you feel like dancing triumphantly through the streets because you have your period. Meaning that the thing you have been dreading for days has thankfully been dodged!
For those of you lucky enough to not have experienced this, let me give you the benefits of my experience...
Mine started earlier than most, lets just say that there was a "contraception mishap", so there was a slight worry at the time. But my bedmate assured me that there was no risk, so I forgot about it.... that was until my period was due, and didn't come.
Two days late... it's probably stress, work has been manic!
Five days late... work is crazy, my routine has gone haywire, it has probably affected my cycle!
Six days late... I must have counted my days wrong, I must be due tomorrow. No, I've counted right. No, this can't be happening! Out and about, I'm seeing babies everywhere, and I swear that they're looking at me, like they somehow know. This is driving me nuts, well more nuts than usual!
Seven days late... Ok this is serious, I have never been this late before. I find myself googling "early signs of pregnancy". Weirdly, one sign is a constant need to pee - because in the first couple of weeks of pregnancy, the womb starts to expand in preparation and presses on the bladder in the process. I'm someone who can usually hold it quite well, but not recently. Ohmigod, I think I am. Ok, if I don't come on tomorrow, I will buy a test.
Eight days late... Still no period - why is this happening to me?!?  I buy the test, from the supermarket. The supermarket? Really? Of all the places! But it's done, and I conveniently hide it in my trolley under my work bag. Well, what if I bump into someone? If I am, I can't keep it. So people can't know! So glad I hid it, as I do bump into not one, but two people. I get the test home, without anyone seeing thanks to my stealth skills, and just stare at it. After all that, I can't even bring myself to take the test. I'm too scared to.
Nine days late.... I have been to the toilet more than ten times since buying the test - still can't face taking it. I reason to myself that there's nothing I can do about it (if I am pregnant) before the weekend. So I will take the test on Friday night - yes, I know how to party!
Ten days late.... I'm so tired - crap, that's another early sign, an overwhelming feeling of fatigue. I start googling local abortion clinics and reading about the procedure. I can't keep it, but can I really go through with an abortion?
Eleven days late... I'm convinced that I'm pregnant, and it's all I can think of. I can't focus on my work, I'm a total space cadet. Go to the toilet - can't believe I need to go again, damn you increasing womb! But all my Christmases have come at once, oh sweet relief! "Yes!" I exclaim gleefully, outloud, in my work toilets. Yes, 'cause that's not weird. Hope no one else is in here, or if there is that no one heard that. For the rest of the day, I can't stop smiling. People probably think I'm on drugs, I'm smiling so manically! I don't care. I'm not pregnant. I couldn't be happier. I feel like I can press play on my life again!